Overcome the Guilt of Moving a Parent to Senior Living
Written by Claire Samuels – Updated September 2024
Reasons we feel guilty
Even when you know relocating your parents to a senior living community is the right thing to do for their safety and health, you may experience feelings of guilt or even shame. Shame can develop from feelings of inadequacy when something appears to have gone wrong, while guilt might look like feelings of remorse for discomfort you’ve caused.
“Emotions range from feeling inadequate to feeling overly responsible,” says Dr. Stephen Quentzel, a psychiatrist in New York affiliated with Mount Sinai Beth Israel Hospital.
No matter our age, the role reversal is uncomfortable
“We want our parents to remain decision-makers,” Quentzel says. “We’re upset when we have to take over their roles. We feel guilty about the role reversal.” Taking on the responsibility of finding a suitable living environment for your parent or other elder can be taxing, but please know that it’s normal to feel uncomfortable during this time.
We feel our caregiving efforts have failed
“We assume the act of moving loved ones into assisted living declares loud and clear that we can’t handle taking care of them,” says Quentzel. “The paradox, of course, is that we want nothing more than to ease our parents’ pain and suffering, even to sacrifice our comfort temporarily to improve their overall lives.” Even so, it’s important to care for yourself and avoid caregiver burnout.
We promised we’d never put them in a “nursing home”
While you may have made these types of promises to your parents in the past, decisions must be made based on what’s best for the parent at the given time, says Barry Jacobs, a doctor of psychology and author of The Emotional Survival Guide for Parents. “Often, putting a parent [in senior living] is the most loving act that a child can do because it improves the quality of the parent’s life from medical and social perspectives. Parents often thrive, to their great surprise.”
Read more: Questions to Ask Assisted Living Facilities When Touring
We know we’re asking a lot from our parents
Change is hard for everyone, and a move to assisted living or long-term care is a big change. Suddenly, you’re asking your parents to form acquaintances, trust professional caregivers, navigate unfamiliar schedules, and acclimate to new environments.
Having the conversation and ultimately moving elderly parents to assisted living (or another form of senior living) is probably one of the hardest decisions someone will ever have to make, says Stella Henry, a registered nurse and author of The Eldercare Handbook. However, family members can be instrumental in identifying problems and making changes to help their loved ones.
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