The Loneliness of MS

Suffering from Multiple Sclerosis often involves enduring a number of tough physical symptoms (numbness, weakness, pain, etc).  While these are all awful, I want to talk about one of the psychological issues that those with MS, or any chronic illness, are forced to deal with: loneliness.  When I speak of loneliness, I don’t necessarily mean being physically alone (although that can certainly be included here and can be a cause).  I’m talking about that feeling of loneliness, that hollow emptiness and unhappiness you have inside.  It doesn’t matter how many friends you have or how many people you talk to.  It’s a despair that has a number of causes and can be downright dangerous if not addressed.

I’ll come right out and admit that feelings of loneliness are something I struggle with constantly.  That isn’t an easy thing to admit.  If you even casually knew me, you might think that’s crazy.  I have close friends, I have an awesome wife and dog.  I try to get out as frequently as possible and if you see me out or even in pictures, there’s usually a great big smile on my face.  To say that I suffer from loneliness doesn’t seem to make sense.  There are so many times though, where I sit and think to myself that I’m alone, that no one really understands me.

As is often the case with those who suffer from chronic illness, what you see on the surface is nothing like the turbulence behind it.  Like many suffering from Multiple Sclerosis, I am on disability.  That means that I have to spend a lot of time by myself.  While at times that can be awful, that isn’t exactly the only reason I say I’m lonely.  More so, it’s the fact that I’m on disability and not able to work that gets me.  I think one of the core causes of loneliness is being different than everyone else (or at least how we perceive other people).  Most people work and have a career.  The longer I am on disability, the more I start to have trouble relating to those who aren’t, and the more I worry about them not being able to relate to me.  Most people don’t want to be different from what’s considered the norm.

Like many with MS, I suffer from bad fatigue.  Most people don’t truly understand real fatigue.