Frustration: The Silent Scream of Multiple Sclerosis

So there’s this sense I’ve been feeling of late, and I haven’t been able to put a word to it. It’s not fear. It’s not dread. Nor is it anger, loathing, or annoyance (though that’s getting pretty close).

I do not believe that it’s just me who is experiencing this sense. (I don’t want to call it an emotion, because I’m not sure that’s what it is.)

It’s not a past, present, or future sensation, but rather an all-encompassing one. It’s an impression that some things are beyond my ability to change them, and that they must be experienced as they are — or were, or will be.

This is not fatalism, as in simply giving over to the situation. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. When it comes to multiple sclerosis (MS), I don’t give over much without a fight. But sometimes the fight becomes tilting at windmills, and all there is to show for it is an exhausted jouster.

No, it’s almost as if I’m an observer of my body’s match against MS — maybe the manager of my side or its No. 1 fan — but no matter how well I’ve prepared or supported my lads, all I can do is watch as their weaknesses are exploited, and the disease scores another goal.

This isn’t an all-day, everyday thing. It’s more like a squall or passing shower that brings with it a quality of hostile takeover or silent scream. It’s raging against a wall. It’s frustrating.

Yup. That’s it. MS is frustrating.

The OED told me that the noun “frustration” is “The feeling of being upset or annoyed as a result of being unable to change or achieve something.” And that’s exactly what I am sometimes: frustrated.

I’m not overwhelmed by frustration, I’m annoyed by it. I’m not stopped by it, I’m upset that there are things I want to change about life with MS but cannot.

I see it in comments from our Life with MS Blog community, too.

I read of it in the things we long to do couched with words like “anymore,” or in sharp responses to topics that I write about that aren’t what everyone wants to read.

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