Recently, a person on Facebook asked me the question showing in the title.
I mentioned that I will speak with a Psychologist and have him answer.
Below is his reply:
How to prepare for the loss of a Caregiver?
Answer:
Preparing for the loss of someone close to you is difficult. Preparing for
the loss of someone you rely on to help you maximize your own functional
independence such as a caregiver is difficult and emotionally complicated.
The psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has conducted research and written a
good deal on the topic of loss. Through
her work, we have come to learn that experiencing loss typically involves a
grieving process with a series of distinct emotional stages. These stages are
as follows:
Stage 1 – Denial: This stage usually follows immediately
after the recognition of a loss or following the recognition that a loss is
imminent. One minute a loved one is present, the next they are gone. It is
difficult for a person to believe that dramatic changes can occur so abruptly
and unsuspectingly. Struggling to admit to yourself and others the reality of a
significant loss is referred to as denial.
Stage 2 – Anger/Guilt: Typically, anger sets in when the
survivor can no longer deny that a loss has occurred. The survivor may become
angry with “the world” simply because of the cruel reality that loss exists and
is unavoidable within one’s life. Anger an also be turned inward at oneself.
This type of anger is usually highly illogical. For example, a person with MS
might think “If only I didn’t have MS, my Caregiver wouldn’t have had to care
for me and might have been healthy enough to have survived their own medical
ailments.” Anger at oneself might then emerge. Feeling guilty also shortly
follows. Guilt might emerge through various other illogical thoughts as well,
such as “Having to care for me impeded the quality of my caregiver’s life”. In
situations in whih a caregiver is a family member such as a spouse, it is
common to think “It is my fault (because of my MS) that I couldn’t give my
caregiver the kind of life they wanted” and similar such thoughts. It is important to recognize that these
thoughts and the associated negative emotions are illogical—it is never and
individual’s fault for developing MS.
Stage 3 – Bargaining: The bargaining stage may be
characterized by pleas to God for a complete to spare or undue the loss. For
example, one might offer things such as, “If you don’t take my Caregiver away,
I will make the world a better place in any way I can.”
Stage 4 – Depression: The moment of recognition of the
inevitability of loss can be quite upsetting and an lead to or worsen a
depression.
Stage 5 – Acceptance: When one acknowledges that things may
never be the same, and when all the preceding feelings have been fully dealt
with, then the survivor can come to terms with the loss.
Stage 6 – Hope: With acceptance comes the hope that
although things may never be the same, life can still be fulfilling.
Not everyone goes through all of these stages after a loss, and the order in
which one moves through the stages may not be the same. Also, it is common for
one to go back and forth through the stages as they slowly move toward
acceptance of the loss.
pending loss of a Caregiver so incredibly complicated is that someone with MS
has likely already dealt with or is currently dealing with these stages through
some form of their own loss due to the MS (loss to some extent of physical
functioning, roles, cognitive skill, etc.).
Moreover, the sense of guilt that can be a part of grieving a loss is
only compounded through the loss of a caregiver, because someone with MS is
vulnerable to feeling as though their condition in some way contributed to the
loss of the Caregiver.
preparing for the loss of a Caregiver is to learn about the above grieving
process and recognize it as normal.
another loved one is essential to healthy adaptation. Understanding one’s own
emotions and sharing them with another is crucial in moving one toward healthy
acceptance of a loss. Nonetheless, the process of grieving is never easy.
about them in advance of foreseeable loss. This can help with guilt and other
negative emotions once the loss occurs. It will also help the Caregiver to
recognize more fully the meaning and purpose of their work with you.
after losing him or her. In a sense, “memorializing” the caregiver in some way
can help keep you close to them.
yourself “stuck” in one of the above stages. Counseling can help you to process
through the stages and move toward healthy acceptance.
Licensed Psychologist
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