By: Gary Barg
After eight
years of taking care of both of her parents by herself, Mary had a stroke. The
stroke affected her mobility and leg strength, but most importantly to Mary, it
meant her caregiving days were over. Her doctor said if she went back to
full-time, around-the-clock caregiving, she would likely predecease her 86- and
89-year-old parents.
Because Mary’s
siblings lived out of state and offered no help, long-term care placement would
have to be found for her parents before she was released from the hospital.
Mary’s guilt about no longer being able to be the direct caregiver for her
parents led to a clinical depression and affected her own rehabilitation.
In desperation,
Mary contacted a therapist who helped her see that she had given her parents
eight years of the best, most loving care she could, even at the expense of her
own health. The therapist also pointed out that as much as Mary’s parents might
not like living in a long-term care facility, they would like it even less if
she was institutionalized somewhere with a massive stroke, or dead because of
the caregiving she provided for them. That helped ease the caregiver guilt a
bit for Mary, and though she struggles with it still, there’s more she can find
to be grateful for than to feel guilty about. After all, she kept both parents
at home for eight years, diligently handled their finances and kept them both
healthy and safe.
Regardless of
the illness or disease with which your loved one is struggling, it is all too
easy to find yourself in the clutches of caregiver guilt, despite the fact that
you have nothing to feel guilty about. Another thing Mary began to realize
through her therapy sessions was that her guilt was slowly giving way to
another feeling – gratitude.
“I am grateful
that I was given the chance to do all of this for them,” Mary says now. “I’m
sad it wasn’t until the end of their lives, but I am grateful it was for as
long as it was. Gratitude keeps me from sinking to the depths of despair over
the guilt…and it also helps me put everything into perspective.”
I couldn’t have
said it better myself.
The
Fearless Caregiver’s Guide to Beating Caregiver Guilt
• Recognize
your feelings of caregiver guilt.
• Understand
the family dynamics with which you are dealing.
• Learn to
appreciate all you do as a caregiver.
• Do not feel
ashamed to share your feelings.
• Take the time
to care for yourself.
Gary Barg
is the founder and editor-in-chief of the first national magazine for
caregivers, “Today’s Caregiver,” as well as the original online caregiver
community, www.caregiver.com.
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