Article Provided by: Cherie C. Binns RN BS MSCN
A writer
with MS shares what she has learned from others as she gathers stories about
supporting someone with a chronic illness.
By: Jan
Goben
When you find
out someone you care about has multiple sclerosis, there are ways you can help
them, and things you may want to avoid doing.
Of course,
everyone is different and you will need to use your discretion with each
person. But when you approach someone with tears in your eyes and say, “I’m
praying for you,” it can leave him or her surprised – shocked, even. When this
happens to me, I wonder if this person has heard something that I don’t know:
Am I dying? Well, no, I’m not.
Whether someone
is dealing with MS or another disease, there are many ways to express your
support. Go ahead and pray for your friends if you choose, but when you see
them, usually a smile would be a good way to greet them. Here are some other
ways you might help make your friend feel better:
Get in
the Driver’s Seat
Offer to take
your friend on a drive somewhere. One day, go to the farmers’ market to buy some
oranges. Another day, your friend may say, “No, let’s go to the river.”
Flexibility is precious. Go ahead, drive to the river and walk along the
walkway, where he or she can hold the railing, or the fence – someone with MS
can feel strong as they hold onto a railing that gives balance and allows them
to take good strides.
Or maybe your
friend wants to just sit in the car, windows open, and breathe in the fresh
air. And listen to the radio. Or sing songs! Nurturing someone’s soul can go a
long way toward making them feel better. Bring a good book you’ve read
recently.
Say
Something Nice
Tell your
friend how good they look, but remember that doesn’t mean they aren’t feeling
weak or sick, or don’t wish they had the strength they used to have. Go ahead
and say, “You look great!” But add, “I know it’s hard, but I’m proud of you for
working so hard to keep your spirits up when it can be a depressing time.” You
are telling your friend that they look great, but you’re not dismissing the
fact that they don’t always feel so great.
#@*#&!?#!
“Sometimes you
just have to swear!” This comes from a woman who was helping her friend through
her MS diagnosis. Strong language has a way of releasing some of the energy
that has been held in because of the build-up of pain in the body. While they
may not need to swear, the idea here is to allow your friend to express
emotions vigorously while they are with you.
Run a
Bath
Soaking in warm
water can help the muscles relax and lets the mind float away. Every person
with MS has different experiences, and to some, warm water can aggravate
symptoms and is unwelcome. But other people say they love the idea of a close
friend helping them into a tub, so that they don’t have to worry about feeling
modest. For some, there is nothing as heavenly as floating in warm water and
staring up at the blue sky (or at least the bathroom ceiling.)
Pick up
the Phone
Don’t be afraid
to call. Many people have said that once their friends heard about their
diagnosis, they suddenly disappeared. A simple phone call shouldn’t be scary –
nothing is expected other than, “Hello! How are you doing? I was just thinking
of you and wanted to say hi.
Do a
Chore or Two
Cook and clean
for the person you care about. What does that person love to eat? Chocolate
chip cookies? Cornbread? Make a treat for someone special and you will always
be thought of fondly.
Help someone in
their garden. Bring some tulip bulbs to plant along the fence. Maybe sunflower
seeds – something he or she can watch as it grows.
Or help your
friend paint that table they’ve been planning to paint for quite a while now –
it’s not a huge project. When someone feels so sick and weak and low-energy, it
can mean so much when you show up and spend some effort to help with something.
That project probably doesn’t feel like a huge project to you, but may be a
huge project to someone else
Help
Maintain Status Quo
This is
something I’ve heard from different people with different diseases, to different
degrees, and in different ways: “Most of all what helped was normalcy. I kept
working through my treatments. My husband worked and my children kept on going
to school. I kept routines. My husband and I walked daily. I consciously closed
the door on fear every single day by reminding myself of the positives. I did
things that made me happy – listening to favorite music, repeating (to myself)
favorite quotes, taking photographs, spending time outdoors.” Helping your
friend keep things as normal as possible is a great gift.
And finally,
don’t be afraid to ask that someone you care about, “How can I help?” It’s the
best way to find out what he or she really needs.
Jan Goben
is writing a book about ways people can help out those with MS and other
diseases. If you would like to tell about the best help you have received or
other ways to help, please email her at jangoben@hotmail.com. (Last reviewed
7/2010)
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